It's that overwhelming feeling....the feeling that nothing is going right...the feeling that you're life isn't all that great.....feeling so unhappy. It's the feeling of discontent.
I'm not sure why I've been so negative about almost everything in my life recently. Well, I shouldn't say recently....I'm always negative. But lately the negativity has been taking over the majority of it. I wish I could crawl underneath my blanket, close my eyes and fall asleep for a very looooong time. No thoughts....my mind not racing....no worrying. Just sleep....and be blank.
It would be so nice not to put so much thought into things or people. But I can't help it. It's in my nature. I get too involved, too attached, that I never see how it is affecting me negatively until it's too late. If someone treats me like crap....so be it. If someone doesnt like me...who cares. If someone hurts my feelings...well I'm tougher than that. But the reality is all of that affects me, and it's hard for me not to let it get to me.
If discontent could be a thing....it would be this big, burly monster staring at me, shaking his head side to side, realizing that I'm such a joke...a disappointment. I wish we had the power to turn on selective memory, or if there was a surgery out there, that would be great. Cause sometimes I want to forget and never remember. I'm sure there are people out there, family, my few "friends" that would easily say..."Well Steph...you should be happy that you're alive. You should be happy that nothing serious is wrong, that your children are healthy...there's people out there that have it worse than you." We for fuck sake....it's not that I'm ungrateful about those things, and it's not that Im not happy to have a decent life, not living on the streets and to have both my kiddos happy and healthy....it's just that this feeling of discontent tends to take over those positive feelings and replace them with negative ones.
Discontent is such a bitch.
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