It's about that time again....

I can always feel it coming....it starts off as little waves . Every other day. But little by little it progressively gets worse until it finally consumes me...almost entirely. This feeling lasts for a few days if I'm lucky. If not, then it lasts for a few weeks at a time. I cant say that I'm always feeling this way and that I never have "good" days. But once I get into this rut, its kinda hard to get out of it. Lately I've been feeling it more and more, and it definitely seems so much harder to deal with it.

When I really think about it, I've never been "emotionally" normal. I've always been a little extreme and very sensitive to negative emotions and feelings. Since I was a little girl any time I had to deal with something negative, it just consumed my thoughts, and I'd feel so ugly inside. And I've been dealing with that ever since. It's just more intense now that I'm older and have gone through a lot of shit.

The reason I decided to blog about this was because a middle/high school friend of mine posted a link on facebook about a film maker named Vanessa who took her own life because of the overwhelming feeling of being depressed and not liking herself. As I was reading it I couldnt help but cry. I felt terrible for her. She was obviously smart, pretty and had a lot going for her, but yet she couldnt see past the negativity she felt about herself. Heck, I didnt even know her. All I had to do was read about the type of person she was and all the things she accomplished, and that made me realize how great of a person she was.  At the same time everything she wrote about described how I've always felt about myself. It's sad that although others can tell you how awesome you are, but yet you don't see it because the harshness of the reality you know about yourself blinds you from everyone elses reality of the person you are. I guess the only difference is I couldnt take my own life, because although I dont always feel like the best mom....I have two little ones that I decided to bring into this world, and it wouldnt be fair to them if I acted so selfishly. At times I do wonder if maybe not being in their lives would turn out better for them...but then the guilt takes over me, and those thoughts exit my mind....at least for now.

I dont really have to think about it....I know why I feel this way, and why Ive always felt this way. It's the simple fact that I just don't like myself. There's nothing that is so great about me. I'm not smart, I dont think I'm pretty, I hate my body... I'm too emotional...I've been more than a handful as a daughter, sister and partner. I dont even think I'm that great of a mom. I dont have patience, and I think I'm passing down my negativity to these impressionable minds, and that's not a good thing. It's not easy for me to deal with these emotions, so I can't just snap out of it like a lot of people can, and I hate that. For those of you that have never battled with depression or know of someone who has or is, then you probably dont understand why its not so easy for someone who feels such an overwhelming feeling of disgust and sadness to just snap out of it. And I've done the meds and gone to counseling, but it just hasnt done much for me, or maybe I'm feeling this way because I'm no longer doing anything to prevent it...who knows.

I dont wish to feel this way. It's not like I love wallowing in my own self pity. I wouldnt wish this for anyone....its rough. I wish I was "normal". I wish I knew what it felt like to be truly happy, and not always have this negativity and sadness hovering over my back. I wish I knew what it was like it just let things go....let them slide....that being sad doesnt mean its the end of the world. But its not only this sadness that is a constant bother...its ME....not only the emotions I feel, but how I feel about myself that rips me apart. I think why things affect me so much is because I am disgusted with myself....as a person. I'm nothing special. I'm just not good....at anything...and I guess at life. Although I am a very emotional and opinionated person who loves talking about feelings and emotions, I dont think I've ever been one to talk about my darkest "secret". I don't think my family knows the depths of it. I know they've "dealt" with my "normal" outbursts...."Oh it's just Stephanie being herself..." is what I'm sure they thought anytime I was sad or emotional...being dramatic and getting into crazy arguments. And I dont blame them...it's not like if they understood they couldve helped. I wouldnt have wanted them to anyway.

I'm not blogging about this as a cry for help....more as an outlet I guess, or maybe to give some insight for anyone else who knows what it feels like to deal with this, and to let them know they are not alone. I dont need or want anyone's pity. There is a stigma behind mental illness, and that's sad. There's no cure...you can only manage it and learn how to deal with it. For the most part I deal with it, although some times are harder than others, and I wish I could just disappear for an indefinite amount of time. I wish I could say "it gets better"....it just depends I guess. Sometimes it feels that way, and sometimes it feels like things are just at there worst. It all depends on you and how you decide to handle it.

http://blogs.indiewire.com/sydneylevine/latinobuzz-filmmaker-vanessa-libertad-garcias-last-blog-post-says-goodbye-to-family-friends

The link above is to the blog post that Vanessa left for her family and friends, as well as a brief "biography" about her. It's a definite good read. It opens up your mind.